Surely all parents have experienced the time when they wished that the ground would ‘swallow them up’. Maybe when your toddler throws a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket or your teenager talks back to you in public. These can be embarrassing at the time, even humiliating, but generally we hope that we can look back and laugh at them in the future. The more potentially damaging Out-Takes are the bits we want to stay on the editing floor of our ‘happy’ family movie. These are the times when we completely lose ourselves in anger, say things which maybe cruel or manipulative, or things we promised we would never say to our children. Generally these times happen behind closed doors, when we feel completely overwhelmed with emotion and indeed lose ourselves to our basic instinct. Afterwards we may feel guilt, shame and a feeling of being a bad parent – again! But it is important to realize that all parents feel like this sometimes because parenting can be overwhelming, confusing and scary.

But this does NOT make you a bad parent. In fact generally bad parents do not exist because we are all doing the best we can with the experience, skills and tools we have at any given moment. Those experiences include how we were parented, whether or not we acknowledge this fact. They also include our parenting style, the temperament of the child, if they have special needs, what we have learned about parenting and children along the way, the skills we have practiced and whether we have had enough to eat and enough sleep! In fact with the mix of variables possible at any given time it’s really surprising that anyone of us made it to adulthood. Parenting is hard work and we are all going to get it wrong sometimes.

What happens when we get it wrong? The sad fact is that because of the feelings of guilt or shame that often follow these times, we as parents may want to deny what has happened. We want to believe that ‘good parents’ don’t ever get angry with their children, don’t ever feel disappointed or even bored in their life as parents, don’t ever use threats or manipulation, don’t ever run screaming to the bathroom and lock themselves in. We want the world to see only our ‘happy’ family. How disciplined and polite our children are, their fantastic grades and advanced reading levels, and their absolute adoration for their siblings. Our Facebook profile.

 

What happens when we get it wrong?

We acknowledge to our children and families that we are only human, only partially perfect parents – good enough. We confess, say sorry, forgive ourselves and move on. Knowing in our hearts that we are modeling one of the greatest gifts for our children and future generations.

Of course I know that your happy family is perfect… but for the rest of us may I ask for a little more compassion, comradeship, support? Let’s be honest about our Out-Takes. Let’s get them out of the closet, share them with trusted friends, learn by them and let them once again be part of our ‘real’ parenting journey.

 

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Article by:  Lynn Frank who is a coordinator for Passage.

Last updated:  Monday 22nd June, 2015