Passage is committed to providing support to parents in Luxembourg in all forms, and this includes supporting their mental health and well-being. As a part of this commitment, we are introducing a series of articles by our member parent Alex Howell, who shares with us her first-hand, personal experience with depression. Alex is a true champion of this cause and determined to provide knowledgeable support to those of us in need. Read on and reach out to her if you relate and have questions. (resources and contacts are provided at the end of the article)
Written, May 2025
At my most fragile, I remember depression as being like a thick, black fog heavily pushing down onto every part of my body and mind. It lingered for days, weeks, sometimes months.
I first experienced depression when I was about 8 years old. Obviously, at the time, I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t even know it was anything at all. I just felt sad and that I was different from every other child. I retreated into my own little world, where I lived by myself.
It was not until my late 30s that I read an article about “the black dog” (depression). I remember feeling sick to my stomach when I realised that is exactly what I suffered from.
There is not always a tangible reason as to why a person is depressed. Of course, life events can trigger depression, for example, being made redundant, going through a divorce, but sometimes it just happens. Nothing specific happened when I was 8 years old to trigger depression – one day it just arrived.
Being told I had depression made me feel both relief and sadness. Sadness because I didn’t think someone like me could get depression; relief because things finally started making sense – this thing had a name.
I had my first major breakdown at work. Things came to a head. I was not sleeping and was exhausted. I felt like I lived in a constant bubble, separate to the rest of the world. Feeling self-conscious thinking everyone hated me, I was extremely paranoid about everything. I had OCD. At the same time, I completely lost my appetite and I cried all the time. I put on a “brave face” (we are very good actors). But I simply could not cope anymore; this force was pulling me deeper and deeper underground. I began to realise that I needed help but did not know how to get it.
Finally, I did get help and was signed off work for weeks. It was extremely difficult for me as I lived one day to the next. Unlike what people usually imagine depressed people do, I actually never wanted to stay in bed all day – I was the opposite. I had to be out the house, in a coffee shop – this was my solace. I started CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). CBT was extremely intense, and it sorted a few things out for a while, but it wasn’t enough for me. I was terrified at the thought of taking any medication because I feared it wouldn’t work and that I would be on it for the rest of my life.
I saw a number of different therapists over the years. All of them taught me valuable techniques to manage my thinking habits. All of them were great teachers and I will be forever grateful for their help. But the depression always came back, and I knew therapy alone was not working anymore.
I was advised to see a psychiatrist who suggested I go onto medication. I felt I had no choice because I could not carry on living the way I was. It took some time, but the medication seemed to work. One of the hardest things about depression is the impact it has on those closest to you. My husband and daughter saw it all. My husband tried so hard to help me but to be honest, I was beyond help. In fact, I saw myself as such a burden on my family that they would be better off without me.
I am currently a lot better. The depression still rears its ugly head but for shorter periods of time. Society is also changing. When I was 8, depression was just not something we talked about. No-one knew to seek help for me. These days we are better at recognising the signs but we still have a way to go before depression is truly seen as seriously as other illnesses. I used to be ashamed of saying I have depression, but now I accept it is just a part of who I am.
Everyone has their own ways of managing depression, but I always found talking to someone did help. Below are a number of resources that may be helpful to you if you are struggling with depression, or you know someone who may need some help regarding depression.
If you would like to meet Alex and share your stories of depression, she attends the Monday Passage gatherings which you can register for by emailing. Please also read Alex’s story about anxiety and loneliness.
MIND – is a well-known charity based in the UK where you can get help and support.
Prévention depression – is a Luxembourg based organisation offering information and advice about depression, including suicide prevention
Samaritans – is a UK based organisation which provides 24/7 help and support
Matt Haig – is a well-known author who has written about his own battles with depression, in particular in his book Reasons to Stay (2015) (Matt Haig – Reasons to Stay Alive)
Ruby Wax – is a well-known author and comedienne who has written a number of books which focus on her struggles with depression. Ruby also offers useful advice and describes tools which can be used to help manage depression (A Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled; Sane New World; How to be Human; How do you Want Me; I’m Not as Well as I Thought I was) (Ruby Wax Publications)
Jonathan Haidt – is a celebrated author who recently wrote The Anxious Generation (2024). The book focusses on the impact of Smartphones on our children and the subsequent increase in depression and anxiety in young people.
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